Boundaries…One of those really important life skills to master if you want to feel happy and at peace in your daily life.
People struggle with setting them ALL the time.
I did for almost 32 years. Still do, if I forget to make conscious effort to ask myself what’s good for Jenny?
My Dad always said I was the the girl who picked up every bird with a broken wing.
That was a very good observation of my personality at a very young age.
It makes me feel good to help others but for much of my life, I never knew that to look after others, you also have to look after yourself.
Self-esteem issues marred me for many years after being bullied for much of my young life and into my teens, twenties and thirties, I made a subconscious decision that I was not good enough.
How we all react to the experiences in our lives is subjective. Remember that if you can relate to this, not to blame or judge yourself.
A Shift Happened
A massive started to happen in my early thirties that in all honesty has taken me almost 10 years to begin to master and I know that it will be a life-long learning.
In an early teen relationship with a friend, I used to say yes all the time to support that person even when it wasn’t necessarily good for me.
I’d leave family events, decline other offers, and never put my needs first.
It created a certain expectation, meaning that even when I wasn’t in a good place myself, I felt it was easier to be there to avoid the drama or that persons negative reaction.
What I know now was that my behaving this way was creating an uncomfortable feeling for me and was setting an expectation in that other person.
Saying no was SUPER difficult. I was afraid of rejection.
What I realised (the hard way) is that by standing back and creating boundaries in my life, everyone wins. Including those I choose to keep in my life to love and be there for today.
Today I’ve got some great friendships and they are all based on a mutual respect that boundaries are ok!
It is healthy to say no if you need to and those who really know and love you, won’t question why you need your space.
I take the space I need when I want to have fun, be with my family.
When I’m tired, stressed, or worried it means that I stopped listening to me. Spending time giving yourself what you need, will help you to listen, support and help others.
We’re doing it from a place of strength, happiness, we feel fulfilled and as a result we will be better for that person in our life anyway.
Creating Healthy Space
Now, creating that space and establishing boundaries may be the hard part to start off.
. We need to understand that changing our behaviour may initially be met with another persons reaction. You’re not responsible for that, but again changing your behaviour is the only one we need to focus on right now.
Depending on what that reaction is, and when you understand how someone else sees the world, you’ll be able to disassociate yourself from their reaction.
This is the freedom that QTT brought into my life.
“A therapist a long time ago said to me: Jenny, you’re only responsible for your own reaction and nobody else’s”
That took me a long long time and a lot of therapy sessions to untangle in my mind.
The reaction on the other side will depend on that persons view of the world, how much they’ve come to rely on you and can apply in any relationship. How you react is going to be based on patterns that you have set-up in life.
If those patterns are not serving you, then QTT is the process that will help set you free
360 Degree Boundaries
Family & Friends
In order to set healthy boundaries we need to first decide what that means for us and how we want to feel going forward.
What do you need and how do you want to feel?
I’m not suggesting you launch into any of your relationships today and announce that things are changing asap.
Spend time actually visualising how you want to feel in those relationships with people. Tap into what’s actually good for you. As a result it will either be good for them or nature may take it’s course.
You may not even know.
Here are some examples:
Don’t be as quick to answer texts and calls
Explain to your people that you need to start taking care of YOU and sometimes you won’t be as available.
What surprises me is that others reactions are never half as bad as I built up inside my head.
However, depending on how they see the world and the patterns they run, the reaction may be the very thing you’ve been avoiding by always being on.
When you start to establish boundaries, be mindful of how it makes you feel.
When you think about setting a boundary where do you feel it in your body?
Don’t be tempted to back-down, this is the real test
Have down-time in your day. Use screentime locks, put your phone away or decide on times that you’ll check messages etc knowing you’ll be feeling open, strong and ready for it.
Once you have established new boundaries, avoid going back to old habits.
I had a client in my agency work a few years ago and I’d started to put up boundaries.
The reason I had to was that she messaged me at all hours day and night. Of course, that was was because I replied all hours day and night
I set an expectation.
When I shared that I would only be available Mon-Fri , she did not react well. She asked who the hell did I think I was. Did I not realise how important her work was to get done?
When I look back at her reaction I know that how she sees the world and how I see the world are completely different.
The behavioural codes that were being met for her were most likely significance – I’d been putting her and her needs first and that satisfied her need to feel significant and important – when I withdrew some of my time, she didn’t like it.
Understanding how you view of the world
Setting boundaries in that relationship felt really uncomfortable for me as my codes that were broken were : I felt there was no ability to voice my needs and my feeling of safety was broken.
Eventually it settled but in the end we parted as she maintained that unless I could be available anytime day or night, we couldn’t work together anymore.
Establishing boundaries in the beginning is hard. Especially, if like me you’ve been picking up every bird with a broken wing.
It’s ok to help people and be there and be a good person, but don’t forget yourself in all of it.
What’s really interesting, is that since I started establishing boundaries, my expectation of other people has dropped too and that is now leading to more enriched, fun and loving relationships.
I am able to let people and expectations go with love and understanding.
Boundaries are healthy. It may feel uncomfortable at first but if you know why you don’t have any when you look at your behavioural codes, you can
figure out how to close the gap and create a healthy vision for yourself
Gaining freedom from our past is what QTT is all about.
Would you like to work on boundaries? Contact me [email protected] for a free consultation 087 79797511
QTT is a personal development accredited modality created by Moira Geary that amalgamates her three unique modalities (Quantum Release, Quantum Alignment and The Behavioural codes with Coaching and NLP).
QTT is a unique accredited personal development ‘talking’ method that guides clients to access profound and lasting behavioural change so that they can achieve their desired outcomes in life.
This distinctive approach empowers and supplies clients with a toolkit of techniques, methods and processes for dealing with life’s challenges as well as optimising life’s opportunities. It is very practical and gentle in nature and can be used by anyone seeking change.